Navigating difficult conversations with a person with dementia

Dementia advice

There are so many ways to connect with a loved one living with dementia, but you may still have days when you experience difficult conversations.

Don’t blame yourself or the person living with dementia. They’re doing the best they can with a brain that’s working differently now. If they seem irritable or upset, it’s often a sign that they’re struggling or that something feels too much for them.

It’s also worth considering if they may be feeling overwhelmed or in pain. Even low-level aches and pains can affect our ability to connect with others.

In our national survey, we found that the three biggest challenges people faced when communicating with someone with dementia were:

Having to repeat themselves (43%)
Their loved one not knowing who they are (42%)
Understanding exactly what their loved one means (40%)

Watch our video for advice on how to talk to someone with dementia, including navigating difficult conversations. Hear from relatives of Care UK residents who have first-hand experience of managing these challenging situations.

Learning to navigate difficult conversations

How to navigate uncomfortable conversations

When difficult conversations arise, remember to work at your loved one’s pace, and try not to be too hard on yourself if the conversation doesn’t go how you’d like.

Many people feel they aren’t prepared for how dementia will impact their loved one. Two-thirds of people who have a relative living with dementia said they never received guidance or training on how to interact with them, according to our survey.

You might not get everything right, but as Tony says in the video above, you will learn more about communicating with your loved one as you go.

Try these tips for managing difficult conversations

Try not to take it personally. It’s important to try to understand the cause behind their reaction so you can approach the situation differently next time.
Try to understand what they are feeling. Anger might seem like an extreme reaction to you, but it’s often your loved one’s way of expressing themselves when words are difficult. For example, banging a table may simply be a way of showing impatience or frustration.
Offer reassurance. Don’t try to convince your loved one that you are a close relative or that they are imagining things. Instead, listen to them, look them in the eye and ask closed questions to understand their concerns. Take their complaints seriously.
Don’t try to correct or challenge. If your loved one wants to go home and that is not possible, ask them questions about their home – “How many bedrooms did your house have?”, “Did you have a garden?”, “Who were your neighbours?”. They may be able to answer these questions better, and in doing so they’ll bring back happy memories. Or, if your loved one is looking for someone who passed away several years ago, don’t correct them. Instead, ask questions about the person. “What is his name?” “How did you meet?” “Where did you get married?”
Remember that they can’t always regulate their behaviour. Sometimes, the personality of a person with dementia will appear to change radically, and they may seem to behave very differently, including swearing or being unpleasant to others. This is usually a result of changes in the brain caused by dementia that affect the ability to regulate actions and responses in different situations. Although this can be difficult, it is important to respond calmly and avoid taking it personally.

The Big Dementia Conversation

We want to get the nation talking about dementia and some of the most difficult topics associated with the condition.

Download our guide, Staying connected: A guide to dementia-friendly conversations, or explore more articles in our online advice hub to take a closer look at communicating with a loved one with dementia. You can also discover more advice and support on our dementia help & advice page.

The Big Dementia Conversation